I remembered this song tonight while thinking about what life will be like soon for me, after my roommate moves out. If he was remaining in this area, I’m sure that we would continue to be close friends, but he is moving to another state. I think this song sums things up well.
There isn’t much I haven’t shared with you along the road
And through it all there’d always be tomorrow’s episode
Suddenly that isn’t true
There’s another avenue
Beckoning the great divide
Ask no questions, take no side
Who’s to say who’s right or wrong, whose course is braver run
Still we are, have always been, will ever be as one
What is done has been done for the best
Though the mist in my eyes might suggest
Just a little confusion about what I’ll lose
But if I started over I know I would choose
The same joy, the same sadness each step of the way
That fought me and tought me that friends never say
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Suddenly that isn’t true
There’s another avenue
Beckoning, the great divide
I would choose
The same joy, the same sadness each step of the way
That fought me and taught me that friends never say
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Day by day I feel myself strengthening now, the decisions made for the next path I have chosen to take in my life. It is amazing how empowering making decisions to take back full control of your life can be. Releasing myself bit by bit from the self imposed bondage I had put myself under after my friend died.
It is amazing to look back upon choices made based on the primal need and instinct to survive when emotionally and mentally you are in the depths of despair and wanting the pain & humiliation to just be over. There is deep inside another piece of the heart, mind and soul that holds on and fights, that takes over and makes you grasp at a lifeline when you see it.
March 5, 2006 I lost a very incredibly special man who has forever changed my life because of the beautiful and loving relationship that we shared. He was the most amazing person I have ever known in my life. Who lived such an inspiring life because of Muscular Dystrophy, the challenges he faced, the constant pain he lived in and his views on the world. Who died far to young but left his impression on and touched every person who knew him deeply. Who had such inner peace, strength and happiness to just be alive, regardless of his hardships in life and offered all unconditional love, regardless of their failings.
March 2007 and I met the guy I’ve been sharing my house with for almost the last 3 years. He said he was looking for change in his life. He wanted to do things and have someone to do things with. I too was looking for a change and knew that I couldn’t do what was going to be happening in my life next alone. I was just about to lose my car, my home and almost all of my possessions and my business was almost in total ruins and I wouldn’t have the money to survive on my own. He knew what was happening and he thought that we could help each other out. We met, he drove up from another state to meet me and continued to come back a few times. We decided we could make it work and he moved in by the end of March. I grasped the lifeline that he offered to me and held on tight.
Over the course of the next year we slowly watched my former life crumble away into nothingness. I bought a mobile home for $5000 cash and we moved in just in time for my daughter to start the school year in a new school district. My former house was 2600 sq ft, my new home 780 sq ft – needless to say I had a lot of things that had to go away forever.
If you have never been in a situation like this, you will never understand what it is like having to let go of memories and keepsakes of the different stages/roads of your life. By this time I had already lost my 2004 Honda Pilot (the only car I have ever bought for myself) – they came and repo’d it in March 2007. So now here I am driving my old 1992 car that I always hated for various reasons, the car that I had promised to my oldest daughter but then had to tell her I couldn’t let her have it because I had no way to get around if she did. My business even more rapidly declining because I just could not maintain focus to work on it and do what I needed to do to keep it alive.
My youngest daughter, it felt like she hated me now. She didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to have to do this, I had made a promise to her that I failed to keep. I had promised when we bought the house, that we would absolutely NEVER move again. My oldest daughter got out as fast as she could, moved in with her fiance because she couldn’t stand the atmosphere in the house any longer. I understood, I hated it, but knew exactly how she felt and why she was making the choices that she was.
Broken Promises – they kept adding up, but not only did I break the promises I made to the 2 people I love most, the 2 people that are my only flesh and blood in this world, my reasons and seasons for being, I broke promises I had made to myself. I was a complete and utter failure but I was fighting to do the best I could at the time to get us through this whole chapter. I just didn’t have a whole lot left inside of me left to fight with. I still couldn’t focus on my business, it was hard to spend so many hours building a site when i had no guarantees that I would see enough of a return to make a difference. My self esteem had been shattered.
Blow after blow continued until May 2008, each blow bringing me down further and further. Financially was getting harder and harder to survive. The oil bill to heat this place was killing us.
Almost exactly 2 years ago i was in such deep utter agony that the most appealing option to me was death. I had finally lost everything I had ever worked for. But I still had my daughters to fight for.
The water heater died in January 2008, we had no money to fix it. I had to call my dad who then paid for a new one to be installed. During this time I had been furiously filling out job applications to anywhere and everywhere. I didn’t care what kind of work, I needed a job. His disability check was not enough to pay the bills and feed us too. We also found out that the bank had finally taken my home. You see I just walked away and left it all. I never tried to sell it, I never tried to save it. I no longer had the desire to live there or have any part of the place. It was where my friend died, i couldn’t stay there, I was haunted there but it didn’t make it any less painful when it finally happened as it was the final item left to lose, the symbols of my success. I had left many things behind in the house. All the stuff that didn’t sell in the garage sales we had and in some cases things I didn’t want to give up but I had no room for and couldn’t afford a storage unit somewhere. Many memories were left behind in the items that remained.
My car died in February 2008, again no money to fix it. My dad comes to our rescue yet again and pays that bill too. Dad also started slipping me money regularly by this time, telling me to give x amount to my daughter and the rest was for me. By this time we were also groveling at welfare. My roommate was able to qualify for food stamps, but I on the other hand was given the run around because I was self employed. I had to meet with some special company so they could investigate every inch of my business to see if it was a viable business. Basically this company was going to be able to decide the fate of my business. Being the person that I am, said SCREW THAT – no government agency was going to tell me if affiliate marketing was a viable business to be in. Welfare didn’t care if I was bringing in only 400 a month and not able to feed my child, we had no medical insurance so I couldn’t afford for either of us to get sick or have anything medically done.
By now, I reconnected with an old friend who reminded me of better days, Fun childhood memories instead of all my bad ones. A friend who also understood the hard times I was going through. She was monumental to helping me to pick up the pieces of my life again and move past the despair I was going through. She helped me to believe in myself again, that I could get through this – another lifeline had appeared and I grabbed on tight.
Heading into April we finally saw a reprieve from the financial hits and with his food stamps helping out. We no longer had to buy oil to heat our home and I was able to renew my focus on finding a job. Again the scurry to apply to places in my job hunt only to hear nothing back. People didn’t want to hire someone who owned their own business for 15+ years.
I finally caught a break in May 2008, when I applied for a job at the local convenience store, that also has a pizza and sub shop. Less than 5 minutes after I hit submit on the application I had a phone call asking me to come in for an interview. My Interview was set for 4 hours later. The guy started the interview telling me that no decisions were going to be made til the end of the following week. I said ok, no problem, though inside i was thinking, I need this job so freaking bad, more than they were aware of that is for sure. I was a nervous wreck, interviewing for a job for the first time in many many years. He and I hit it off immediately and before I left the store that day I was hired and at the highest rate of pay that they were authorized to give. Filled out the initial paperwork and scheduled to come the next day to do my computer based training.
Being the optimist that I am, I believed that the job was going to solve all the issues in my life. Reality though, it presented new challenges and obstacles to overcome and with better financial times on the horizon, different issues began to emerge and the issues are what put me where I am today, just on the verge of moving on and forward in my life once again and alone.
The road back to the top is a slow and tedious one at times, but as always With A Little Help From My Friends I can overcome any adversity that comes my way in time. There is still walls between my children and I, it pains me but the walls have cracks now and slowly day by day I believe we will continue chip away at those remaining blocks and become close again as we once were though it will be on a different level of closeness than before as we have changed and matured more during the process. Breaking promises to my kids and myself, broke the bonds of trust between us all.
In 1979 I was in 9th grade, the year Kermit made popular the song The Rainbow Connection from The Muppet Movie. I immediately fell in love with the song. It is one of those songs that gave me hope – that someday I would find what I was looking for.
1979 was a year filled with much turmoil in my life, I ended up failing some of my classes that year and ended up being held back in some areas, advanced in others. So by the time I was supposed to be in 10th grade, I was actually a 9/10 split, taking 9th grade & 10th grade english & social studies, all in the same year so in the end I was able to graduate with my own class in 1983.
There is a picture in my jr. high school yearbook of me for that year that says: Heidi The Daydreamer who wanders through life thinking about such things as macho men, her future and whether she will pass. – How accurately they described someone they really didn’t know at all.
I am the lover and the dreamer who believes that someday I’ll find it, the rainbow connection and sometimes I think I have found it, when I think of my children and the joy they have brought to my life..
Have you found your Rainbow Connection?
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they’re wrong wait and see.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that wishes would be heard and answered when wished on the morningstar?
Someone thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it’s probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.
While cruising the net tonight I found this absolutely wonderful song from Air Supply that I had never heard before and knew I had to share it as a very inspiring, motivational song.
When there’s a dark storm on your horizon
And you think you can’t get through it
Just put your hand in my hand
And I’ll show you how to do it
When the future looks uncertain
You can count on me to be there
And when your heart and soul are hurtin’
Just look and you’ll see me there
Just follow where I lead
I’ll give you what you need
A love that’s always true
And someone who believes in you
So when you’re searching for that rainbow
I will help you find it
And when a mountain stands before you
I will help you climb it
Just follow where I lead
I’ll give you what you need
A love that’s always true
And someone who believes in you
It’s time to come alive
Your moment has arrived
I’ll bring out the best in you
We can have it all
No, we will never fall
Looking down from our celestial view
Just follow where I lead
I’ll give you what you need
And I’ll tell you something else
You’ll start believing in yourself
It’s an easy thing to do
When you have someone who believes in you
Someone who believes
Someone who believes
I’m someone who believes
And you’ve got someone who believes in you
Looks like my new future is going to be beginning earlier than expected. My roommate is planning on moving out within the next couple weeks, just a matter of making his final arrangements, he found a place to live. Strangely enough in the same exact house he lived in when he moved in with me almost 3 years ago. How bizarre is that?
Needless to say the mind has now begun to race for tidying up any of the loose ends between us. Things I need to make sure he takes with him, stuff I need to make sure I get back from him, getting the electric transferred to my name, a new lease with the park where my mobile home is located, him signing over the home totally to me so that in the future if I decide to sell and move out we don’t have to hunt him down for a signature.
I’m eager and saddened at the same time, very conflicting thoughts & emotions. I will miss his friendship/companionship sometimes but I will also totally embrace the moving forward with my life and standing on my own two feet again. If he wasn’t relocating to another state, I know that we would remain friends and do things together but distance will turn us into online friends primarily and that is sad.
I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I’ll never criticize
All you’ve ever meant to my life
I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on
i don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to say but goodbye
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I’m not sure I’m worthy of
Losing you is painful to me
I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on
i don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to say but goodbye
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to try
Though it’s gonna hurt us both
There’s no other way than to say goodbye
When you have the will
You learn to forgive and to forget
You have to -
Collect the broken pieces and
Humble Hearted
Stand up from the place where you hide
If I wouldn’t know to miss anything
It couldn’t hurt me no more
Mistakes taught to build life
From the ashes, that fell down to ground
Without any pain it wouldn’t be the same
Experiences made me strong -
Not every pain hurts
Deep inside
When you learn to divide
Don’t fear the danger
Follow your heart to the light
Live your dream and breath
When you listen to yourself
Don’t always expect
To find understanding
It takes time
You may loose your faith
But don’t be afraid
To find the solution
That heavy wasn’t my load
That I wouldn’t also try
To carry yours
My burning heart – unbearable!
My optimistic mind – collapsed!
Without any pain it wouldn’t be the same
Experiences made me strong -
Not every pain hurts
Deep inside
When you learn to divide
Don’t fear the danger
Follow your heart to the light
Live your dream and breath
Not every pain hurts
Deep inside
When you learn to divide
Don’t fear the danger
Follow your heart to the light
Live your dream and learn to carry on
All those crazy nights when I cried myself to sleep
Now melodrama never makes me weep anymore
‘Cause I haven’t got time for the pain
I haven’t got room for the pain
I haven’t the need for the pain
Not since I’ve known you
You showed me how, how to leave myself behind
How to turn down the noise in my mind
Now I haven’t got time for the pain
I haven’t got room for the pain
I haven’t the need for the pain
Not since I’ve known you
Suffering was the only thing that made me feel I was alive
Thought that’s just how much it cost to survive in this world
‘Til you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love
How to open up and drink in all that white light
Pouring down from the heaven
I haven’t got time for the pain
I haven’t got room for the pain
I haven’t the need for the pain
Not since I’ve known you
As I contemplate the next year of my life I have a mixture of emotions/thoughts/concerns over the changes that are coming. Sometime in March, my room mate of the past 3 years is moving out upon my request. It will be the first time I’m having to stand on my own 2 feet again since the demise of my prior life.
4 years ago, I wasn’t doing real well. I had lost someone very special to me, he died in my arms and my whole world shattered. My business went downhill because I wasn’t functioning on any level, I lost my car, my home and almost everything I owned. 3 years ago, I met my room mate on myspace and he relocated to my town to live with me. I could no longer afford to live on my own, I needed someone to help me heal and understood the loss I had suffered. He did because he had lost his wife and he was looking for change in his life.
During this time I discovered that part of my breakdown was a result of my complete isolation from people. Working from home for 15+ years didn’t result in forming friendships with people locally. I had no where to turn and quite honestly after that length of time, I had forgotten how to socialize with people in real life. I lived in the cyberworld, my business, my friends, everything I did was online only. I had lived in another state for 10 years and moved back to my home state in 2003. Most of the people I knew from my prior years here, were mostly not people I wanted to associate with in the here and now. They were part of my past and it seemed like they hadn’t changed a bit since I left. They were still heavily involved in alcohol and drugs and that was not the life I wanted for myself and my children. I have my extended family here, but mostly we live in different realms of thought. I’ve felt like I’m the black sheep of the family for many years.
The last few years have been spent learning how to be around people again. I took a job out of the house for the first time in 15 years and have been slowly rebuilding my life. The job will never financially give me what I want for my future, so rebuilding my business is my best option without going back to school. I tried to quit the job over the summer to do just that but found I missed the job and the people so I went back on a limited basis. Overall I feel that is working out well for me, though because of various circumstances I’m working there far more than I originally intended. I’m hoping that will settle down again in 2 weeks and get back to the regularly scheduled program – lol –
In the fall my youngest daughter will be going off to college and for the first time in my life I will be completely alone. Not that I will ever be completely alone as I do have family and friends that live nearby now. But I will have a home that i will share only with my cats for large pockets of time. I’m sure my youngest will return during school breaks.
The future is exciting, exhilarating and scary to think about all at once. The self doubts start creeping up on me at times but that other inner voice keeps telling me that I’m headed in the right direction. That is exactly what I need to focus on, the little voice that keeps telling me that I’m gonna be ok, that I can take care of myself by myself. As in the past, I turn to books & music to get me through — to inspire and energize me to keep pushing towards the success I’m seeking.
Just when I’m ready to get back into the groove again of rebuilding my business, I seem to always be hitting road blocks – namely my job. I like my job, but its only supposed to be one shift a week so I can concentrate on my business. Unfortunately, since about Thanksgiving, its been non-stop 5-6 days a week working the job.
Instant, Guaranteed money now in exchange for the possible future earnings I might make if I would get the time I need to do all the things I have on my list of things to do.
Catch 22 – I’m my bosses back up plan for whenever someone is out sick, hurt, vacations, fired. She’s slowly training me to do everything in the entire store so I can fill in for anybody who is gone. Which mostly works out well for both of us as she is my back up plan for money too. But it leaves me totally physically and mentally drained on the days I’m not working for her, that I don’t have what I need for my own business, and the demands of family on top of it.
So on I go with my quest for balance in my life, a never ending struggle.
Music soothes my soul, inspires me to keep fighting and moving forward. When I’m Back On My Feet Again by Michael Bolton is one of those songs.
Gonna break these chains around me
Gonna learn to fly again
May be hard, may be hard
But I’ll do it
When I’m back on my feet again
Soon these tears will all be dryin’
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Might take time, might take time
But I’ll see it
When I’m back on my feet again
When I’m back on my feet again
I’ll walk proud down this street again
And they’ll all look at me again
And they’ll see that I’m strong
Gonna hear the children laughing
Gonna hear the voices sing
Won’t be long, won’t be long
Till I hear them
When I’m back on my feet again
Gonna feel the sweet light of heaven
Shining down its light on me
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will feel it
When I’m back on my feet again
When I’m back on my feet again
I’ll walk proud down this street again
And they’ll all look at me again
And they’ll see that I’m strong
And I’m not gonna crawl again
I will learn to stand tall again
No I’m not gonna fall again
Cos I’ll learn to be strong
Soon these tears will all be dryin’
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won’t be long, won’t be long
Till I see it
When I’m back on my feet again
When I’m back on my feet again
I’ll be back on my feet again