Cat's After Dark

At the age of 46, the journey to finding self and what I want to be, do and have in my life now and in the future has been a very long arduous struggle. Learning how to take care of me, fix me instead of always focusing on others. Establishing boundaries of what I find acceptable in relationships and this includes all relationships – friends, family and romantic interests.

My journey has a long way to go but I feel that through the help of my counselor that I started seeing in August and my true friends and family who have been right there with me every step of the way, encouraging me, supporting me and listening to me.  I am 1000 times closer to success than I was when I was struggling alone with the burdens of my past and present and fighting for my future.

The counselor gave me “homework” to do at one of my recent sessions. She had asked me to complete this sentence: I am…

During the session I was unable to answer this, I gave some silly flippant sarcastic self-attacking responses as she kept pressing on me to give an answer. Sarcasm is so 2^nd nature to me when I feel backed into a corner or don’t want to answer or respond to something because I don’t want to think, it might make me “feel” something. So she sent me home with an assignment to do before our next session. I was surprised when she asked me if I was going to show up to my next appointment and then she asked me if I would actually do the assignment. To both questions I gave a resounding YES!

I will have to remember to ask her if she really believed I that I wouldn’t show or do the assignment. 20 years ago I probably would have skipped out when I was asked to examine myself and my thinking of myself. Now – there is absolutely no way I would quit this journey and where it has currently brought me.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired – it is time to get well in all aspects of my life.

Can all of you answer the question of I am…. ? If not, it’s worth taking the time to think about it and write it down. I ended up with 2 pages worth of things that I believe I am – some good, some bad but from here we have established more paths to explore and work on.

In the end, after I turned in my homework, we discussed some of my responses and ended up adding 1 item to the list to discuss at our next session.

I Am A Contradiction!

Tags: Counseling, Depression, Getting Help, I Am, Life, Mental Health, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Recovery | Category: Personal, The Present | Comments Off

Everyday one must keep vigilant to be aware of the snakes in life. It seems as I continue on my journey of self and as i reach out to connect with others in real life, instead of the sometimes self inflicted prison I have kept myself in for so long, the more snakes I have to deflect and remove from my life.

Who and what are these snakes? They are the people I’ve met who claim to accept me as I am and understand the journey I am on and how important it is to me to reach my goals through my own perseverance and will power who are really ones who just want to suck me dry, or control or mold me into the person they believe I am or the one they wish I was.

Perhaps I am just more aware of the snakes now than I ever was before and am able to recognize them before i get drawn into their hole – whichever it is, I am just glad that I do recognize them for what they are before they have a chance to draw me in. I am in total control of my life and my future and fully intend to stay here. Life is good and looking up all the time. It feels good to be alive and I look forward to reaching even more goals in the upcoming months with some new web projects & good friends – new and old.

Garden Snake by meowser
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Maybe its just me but I have grown so weary of listening to people complain about their lives. Miserable in their marriages, don’t like where they are living, hate their job, etc etc etc the list goes on and on. Most of the things they focus on, are all aspects of their life that they could change – Life here in the United States is about Freedom and Freedom of Choice. Will making those changes be easy? Of course not – While we have freedom to make choices, the choices we have are not free or easy to make but we do at least have a choice which can’t be said for millions around the world.

Changing our lives doesn’t occur overnight either. It takes a lot of careful planning and decision making to ensure we are making the best choices available to us. It requires patience and perseverance and taking things one step at a time until we are able to pull all the pieces together and live our dreams.

If you have chosen to remain in a marriage, a job, a location you prefer not to be, or whatever the situation is -then just quit the moaning and deal with it. Because seriously nobody gives a damn if you are making your own prison for yourself. Life is what you make it – If you chose to remain miserable, then keep it to yourself because there are a hell of a lot more people in the world that have worse problems than you do and no choices available to make it better for them.

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Recently I’ve begun taking nature walks where I totally immerse myself in the scenery – sounds, sights, feel and smells of the place I am exploring. I bring my camera with me so that I may capture the images I see, with my digital camera I am also able to do video clips so I can bring some of it home with me for those times I am unable to get out and explore. These walks are a time to totally clear my mind of all the burdens and problems of the day and just become one with nature and the wildlife that lives in the area. I have seen some wondrous sights so far – a momma deer with her 2 babies, a roaring creek with all its twists and turns, a groundhog going to the shore of Lake Ontario to eat his/her breakfast. Many birds, insects, chipmunks and squirrels along with a huge variety of plants, trees and wildflowers.

Below you will find some of the picture I’ve taken recently on my Outdoor adventures. I have put the pictures on mousepads, post cards and greeting cards for purchase.

Groundhog’s Breakfast by meowser
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Irondequoit Creek – Penfield NY by meowser
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Colorful Rocks by meowser
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Irondequoit Creek by meowser
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Stones by meowser
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Tags: Irondequoit Creek, Lake Ontario, Mousepads, Nature, Outdoor Adventures, Photography, Photos, Rocks, Scenic | Category: Shopping, Website Stuff | Comments Off

Just updated my calendar web site with all the new and fantastic Calendars available for 2011. Calendars make wonderful presents for Christmas, Birthdays, Housewarming Gifts or just about any Gift giving occasion you can think of!

Check em out here: 4 All Calendars.

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I was surprised to see tonight that i hadn’t written anything in 6 weeks. Then of course I had to think back as to what has been going on over the last 6 weeks that kept me from posting my thoughts here. Basically its because I once again had lost my equilibrium in my life. I let myself become too emotionally involved with a few friends and then spent a whole lot of time trying to escape from the current reality. I cut ties with my family because I can no longer deal with some of them and their inability to be supportive of me and my kids. Stuff at work that I wasn’t handling well, I don’t always handle changes well.

On the plus side during the last 6 weeks, I was able to start some of the renovations inside my home that i have been wanting for a long time. My bedroom was painted and the hallway. Next will be my daughters room and family room. Every room in my home was the old 70′s dark wood paneling and I absolutely hated it. It’s amazing what a coat of paint can do to make everything a much nicer place to live in. My bedroom is now a very pale shade of blue and compliments my dresser, night stand and bedding nicely. I finally went out and bought some room darkening curtains to cover the windows and its making a huge difference in my sleeping during the day time hours. Living in a 3rd shift world can be tough sometimes and getting proper sleep has been a huge issue for me.

The hallway is a cream/off white color and its amazing how bright it is during the day now. I keep going to check to see if I forgot to turn the lights off!! Its still weird to see it appear so bright during the day. My daughter and I both had ceiling fans installed in our rooms, the bedrooms have much lower ceilings than the rest of the house so…. no tall people allowed or you might get the top of your head chopped off by the blades but she and I are short so all is good for us! The ceiling fan will also help with my sleep issues now that we are just entering the best of summer’s weather and i don’t have air conditioning in my bedroom.

The colors for the next 2 rooms are still to be decided. In the fall I will do the kitchen and dining/office area and then all of the dark depressing paneling will be gone. After that I will save up to have all new floors installed as it desperately needs it and then bathroom renovation.

I’ve continued to lose weight over the last 6 weeks and am now up to a total of 33 lbs lost. I’m walking 3-5 miles daily, still working out with my weights and other misc items that I bought along the way.

I’m finding it harder and harder to spend time on the computer. I want to be moving and doing things whether its work or play doesn’t make much difference. I’m just tired of the old life that was my life since about 1993 – non-stop computer, building websites, taking care of kids and significant others and sleep.

My youngest daughter graduated from High School last week and soon will be flying the coop except for school breaks of course.

I look forward to living alone for the first time in my life. I’m sure at times I will miss having someone around but I also can’t wait for the days where I can do what i want in my own home 24 hours a day without having to worry about someone else all the time and what they need or want. No more bloody messes for me to clean up that either I or my cats didn’t make. Maybe I’m selfish but I just don’t care anymore. I’ve paid my dues, I’ve sacrificed much in my life for the benefit of others. Its time for me now.

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Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me what the future would bring for me, for my kids. Then I am reminded that It’s the journey and not the destination that really matters. I’ve met a couple of really neat people lately both because of my job. It’s fun and exciting and laughter filled getting to know them. For whatever reasons, I instantly connected with both of them on an intellectual and spiritual level and I look forward to the tidbits of knowledge I learn about them each time I see them or talk to them. For me, there is nothing better than being able to kick back, relax around people who totally accept me as I am but are also able to be supportive of where I want to be. People who are able to be totally open about themselves, laugh at themselves and discuss everything with a totally open mind. I’ve always believed it was a good thing when someone could help me to see alternative views based on their life experiences and make me think about how I view myself and the world and how I came to those beliefs.

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Since my room mate moved out, I have been working out with Neoprene Dumbells and trying as often as I can to find someone to go with me, take power walks and be more active. Because my focus has been on strength training more so than actual weight loss I haven’t paid all that much attention to the scale. Needless to say I was surprised to learn that I have dropped over 20lbs since the beginning of March!

A few days ago I went out and bought a Stability Ball so that I could start working on other areas of my body including regaining the strength and balance in my core. So I have now added that to my regimen and as soon as I can figure out a way to bring it home I will be buying a Mountain, Sport & All Terrain Bike so I can go riding around the neighborhood.

I so far haven’t really noticed a difference in my clothing, but then again, I always wear clothing that was too big for me anyway for comfort reasons.

I’m not a big fan of actual dieting to lose weight because I always found in the past that it just made me crave all those things that most diets say not to eat. I’ve always believed moderation was the best way to go about it and lets face it, who among us doesn’t like cake, ice cream and various other sugary treats now and then.

Tags: All Terrain Bike, Moutain Bike, Neoprene Dumbells, Stability Ball, Strength Training, Weight Loss, Womens Bike, Yoga Ball | Category: Personal | Comments Off

Well Mother’s Day came and went, barely a blip in my radar. I spent the day working my job from 3pm – 12:15 am. We were supposed to do dinner at my mom’s tonight and i said screw it. Just didn’t feel like going there so I grilled BBQ chicken at home and had dinner with my girls. Took a power walk with my oldest and that felt really good – nice high that had my heart pounding from the exertion so its all good. I’ve been working out with weights for a few months now and am ready to add more activity into my life.

Next up, find someone to do power walks and bike riding with me on a regular minimum 3 times a week basis…. all good things take time to develop

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It’s 1:00am and I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face. Disappointed, Frustrated, Furious and Saddened by my Mother and her inability to comprehend that my youngest daughters Graduation party is supposed to be a celebration of her achievements and her parents for successfully completing raising her to “adulthood” and her release into a future full of promise. She will be entering a top notch college in the fall that she earned scholarships for. She is an incredible young lady who is cute, charming, intelligent and funny and she is someone that I am so proud to call my own even with all her faults and frailties.

My daughter’s father lives in another state. He is traveling to where we are in order to attend her graduation and celebrate our achievements. He will only be here a certain amount of time and we wanted to have her graduation party at a time where he will also be present. Unfortunately, where I live is an unsuitable place for her party because I just don’t have the space for it. Mom had agreed to host it but is now giving me a hard time about when it is occurring because my sister and aunt are coming in the following month from 2 other states. She wants me to wait until they arrive to do my daughters party. This would eliminate her father’s ability to be there.

Mom feels she shouldn’t have to accommodate my ex-husband and have the party when he is here. The fact that he is my ex has nothing to do with it. He may be my ex-husband but the most important part of this is that he is my daughter’s father. Him being my ex doesn’t negate the fact this celebration is one of our daughters success. As much as I would love to have the entire family there, this celebration is not for them. It is for my daughter, her father and myself.

My view is that we can get together again after they all arrive and have a “family reunion”. Is it really so bad to have 2 or more family gatherings during the time my sister & aunt will be in town? Let my daughter, her father and I have our day of celebration too without the hassles and stress.

Ultimately, it has been decided between My daughter, her father and I that we will eliminate the party and do our own private celebration with both my daughters and her father and his girlfriend. My mother can do as she wishes now, I just don’t guarantee that I will participate as I won’t take off from work if I’m scheduled to be there. I will already be losing a few days of work during the graduation week.

Sorry Mom – This isn’t about my sister and aunt. Its about my Daughter, Her Father & I and our celebration. I refuse to take the spotlight off my daughter in order to accommodate you on this one.

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