Who To Trust?
Where does a child go when the family and medical community lets her down? When she doesn’t know how to trust anymore? Doesn’t know WHO to Trust? But is slowly drowning in emotions that she is ill equipped to deal with and dying inside and SCREAMING for help? She (Me in this case) turns to the things that bring her solace and peace – Books, Music, God — and I continued to dabble with drugs and alcohol for those times I just had to get away from it all, go outside my mind and put me to sleep.
I’ve read the Bible multiple times from front to back seeking answers, but never totally satisfied with what I found there, but each time coming away with little bits and pieces of hope, that there was a better life for me out there, I just had to be open to it, find the strength inside myself to keep fighting for my dreams, recognize the opportunities when they were presented to seize and take hold of.
Then as is still true today, I do not believe in the existence of GOD, but the Bible holds for me many quips and quotes that touch me very deeply in my shattered soul and I am able to find inspiration and the light through the darkness in those passages to keep on fighting another day.
I know that some would say that I have found God through those passages and that He is Lighting the Way for me, If I would only just SUBMIT to his WILL and Ask for Forgiveness for those Sins I have committed in my life, but I will never ACCEPT a God as powerful as he supposedly is, can and does continue to allow so many horrible things happen to innocent children and good people on a daily basis.
Many of my teachers back then knew there was stuff going on, that I was hurting inside, depressed and seeking excessive amounts of negative & positive attention to fill the voids in my life, the need for love, acceptance, understanding and validation. My Violin always my shield, my friend and my method of expression for the emotions that consumed me.
They didn’t know the details of what had already transpired in my life, only a few select people knew that at the school. Without them I would have never survived, eventually I would have been successful in my quest for death to end the emotional pain. These Angels would recommend books for me to read to help me overcome whatever my issues were. Books that showed me that no matter how bad my life is, there is ALWAYS someone out there that has it worse.
One of the first books that was recommended that I read was Joni – the autobiographical story of Joni Eareckson Tada and her struggles to adjust after a diving accident leaves her paralyzed from the neck down.
Her story is still one of the most inspiring stories I have ever read and left me feeling that if she could overcome and survive & thrive with the physical limitations she now had to endure for the rest of her life, that I too could overcome, survive and thrive.
Another book Listen To The Silence by David W. Elliot told the story of a 14 year old boy who was in and out of foster homes, adopted, then un-adopted and eventually dumped like trash into a mental institution. It is an absolutely unrelenting, emotionally horrifying tale of the dark and depraved side of mental institutions 40 years ago. There was no hope in this story, no happy endings. But it sent me the message that I wasn’t CRAZY and that I was gonna be ok someday.
Go Ask Alice is another book I read during this time. Purportedly the diary of a teenage girl who was a drug addict who overdosed and died, her parents later discovered her diary and published it.
According to Snopes.com this book is a book of fiction that was released and promoted as being based on a true story. Irregardless of whether or not it was a work of fiction or a true story, I credit this book with helping to prevent me from delving into the far more dangerous drugs that were widely available 30 years ago as they are still today.