One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I went to church every Sunday, the only one in the family that did after awhile. My Sister had grown up and moved out, My Brother pretty much quit going after he went through the required Confirmation in 9th grade and my parents square danced every Saturday Night and returned home pretty late — Mom couldn’t get up in the morning to go. Dad would either drop me off and pick me up when I called or I would ride my bike or I’d catch a ride with a friend who was going also. I was extremely involved in the youth Church group where I did finally make some life long friends.
I found solace in bits and pieces wherever I could find it. Like a sponge I would take all the information in, processing bits and pieces at a time, from teachers, books, music and other adults who touched my life during this time. It was never enough to erase or eliminate the demons that continued to feed on me. Even with all the positive influences I sought out, I still continued to slip off the path of healing and onto the path of self destruction. Slipping and Sliding up and down the edge or fringes of life.
The healing journey is a long and twisty winding road at times. Overcoming deep seeded thoughts of being bad, deserving of punishment, worthlessness and unlovable along with a host of other self destructive lines of thought, is not something that happens overnight. I couldn’t trust My family, I couldn’t trust the medical community, and soon I found out, that I couldn’t always Trust Myself Either.
One step forward, Two Steps Back