Looking Towards The Future
As I contemplate the next year of my life I have a mixture of emotions/thoughts/concerns over the changes that are coming. Sometime in March, my room mate of the past 3 years is moving out upon my request. It will be the first time I’m having to stand on my own 2 feet again since the demise of my prior life.
4 years ago, I wasn’t doing real well. I had lost someone very special to me, he died in my arms and my whole world shattered. My business went downhill because I wasn’t functioning on any level, I lost my car, my home and almost everything I owned. 3 years ago, I met my room mate on myspace and he relocated to my town to live with me. I could no longer afford to live on my own, I needed someone to help me heal and understood the loss I had suffered. He did because he had lost his wife and he was looking for change in his life.
During this time I discovered that part of my breakdown was a result of my complete isolation from people. Working from home for 15+ years didn’t result in forming friendships with people locally. I had no where to turn and quite honestly after that length of time, I had forgotten how to socialize with people in real life. I lived in the cyberworld, my business, my friends, everything I did was online only. I had lived in another state for 10 years and moved back to my home state in 2003. Most of the people I knew from my prior years here, were mostly not people I wanted to associate with in the here and now. They were part of my past and it seemed like they hadn’t changed a bit since I left. They were still heavily involved in alcohol and drugs and that was not the life I wanted for myself and my children. I have my extended family here, but mostly we live in different realms of thought. I’ve felt like I’m the black sheep of the family for many years.
The last few years have been spent learning how to be around people again. I took a job out of the house for the first time in 15 years and have been slowly rebuilding my life. The job will never financially give me what I want for my future, so rebuilding my business is my best option without going back to school. I tried to quit the job over the summer to do just that but found I missed the job and the people so I went back on a limited basis. Overall I feel that is working out well for me, though because of various circumstances I’m working there far more than I originally intended. I’m hoping that will settle down again in 2 weeks and get back to the regularly scheduled program – lol –
In the fall my youngest daughter will be going off to college and for the first time in my life I will be completely alone. Not that I will ever be completely alone as I do have family and friends that live nearby now. But I will have a home that i will share only with my cats for large pockets of time. I’m sure my youngest will return during school breaks.
The future is exciting, exhilarating and scary to think about all at once. The self doubts start creeping up on me at times but that other inner voice keeps telling me that I’m headed in the right direction. That is exactly what I need to focus on, the little voice that keeps telling me that I’m gonna be ok, that I can take care of myself by myself. As in the past, I turn to books & music to get me through — to inspire and energize me to keep pushing towards the success I’m seeking.