I Am…
At the age of 46, the journey to finding self and what I want to be, do and have in my life now and in the future has been a very long arduous struggle. Learning how to take care of me, fix me instead of always focusing on others. Establishing boundaries of what I find acceptable in relationships and this includes all relationships – friends, family and romantic interests.
My journey has a long way to go but I feel that through the help of my counselor that I started seeing in August and my true friends and family who have been right there with me every step of the way, encouraging me, supporting me and listening to me. I am 1000 times closer to success than I was when I was struggling alone with the burdens of my past and present and fighting for my future.
The counselor gave me “homework” to do at one of my recent sessions. She had asked me to complete this sentence: I am…
During the session I was unable to answer this, I gave some silly flippant sarcastic self-attacking responses as she kept pressing on me to give an answer. Sarcasm is so 2nd nature to me when I feel backed into a corner or don’t want to answer or respond to something because I don’t want to think, it might make me “feel” something. So she sent me home with an assignment to do before our next session. I was surprised when she asked me if I was going to show up to my next appointment and then she asked me if I would actually do the assignment. To both questions I gave a resounding YES!
I will have to remember to ask her if she really believed I that I wouldn’t show or do the assignment. 20 years ago I probably would have skipped out when I was asked to examine myself and my thinking of myself. Now – there is absolutely no way I would quit this journey and where it has currently brought me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired – it is time to get well in all aspects of my life.
Can all of you answer the question of I am…. ? If not, it’s worth taking the time to think about it and write it down. I ended up with 2 pages worth of things that I believe I am – some good, some bad but from here we have established more paths to explore and work on.
In the end, after I turned in my homework, we discussed some of my responses and ended up adding 1 item to the list to discuss at our next session.
I Am A Contradiction!